AW SHIT

From PoopReport.com:

Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?...
And why do dogs like poop dose it tast good?...And why dose my horse like to sniff her poop?...And dose any body eat poop and live?

Someone named Brooklyn_Tootie_Misty_chica_Summer_Ginger_ (we'll call her "BTMcSG" or "Brook-tootie") had the courage to ask these questions, yet they remain unanswered... that is, UNTIL NOW:

1. Q: Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?

A: This is really two questions, and to understand the complex truths behind it, we have to split it in half. First, why do dogs eat poop? To find out, I went straight to the source and asked a few dogs why it is that they consume poop. Here are a few of their responses:

• "Woof."
• "Grugg."
• "Bowowow."
• "Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf!"
• [general yawning and lip-smacking]
• "Blurgle."

Several of them also linked me here, but their sentiments say more than science or logic ever could.

So, why can't we? Toots phrases her question carefully; it's not that we choose to not eat poop, but simply that we can't. And she's right to be upset by our circumstance. After all, if dogs can do it, so can we. We can walk on all fours, we can play fetch, we can lie around naked for ten years and die in the back of a pick-up truck, so why can't we eat poop? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it'll become clearer as we find the answers to more questions.

2. Q: Why do dogs like poop—does it taste good?

A: Not being able to answer this myself, I consulted the next best resource: Yahoo Answers.

Does Poop taste as bad as it smells?
k , here's the story, me an my friends were talken about this the other day, an none of us have really tried poo, and I know not one German,

<3george

The winning answer was from a guy named Lupe, who writes "George, you silly goose, the answer is 'right' at 'HOME', just ask around, and you'll find the answer." Obviously, Lupe misunderstands George H on a basic level: George H is not a goose and therefore can not eat his own poop. Though GH writes, Real-World-confessional-style, about Lupe, "He is so intelligent an smart, very witty too an hilarious, he would make some hot women really happy some day :D," the two are obviously operating on different poopy planes.

What George H knows intrinsically is that only a German can give him the answer, a German like this one:

That's Jürgen Burkhardt, the 2007 First Place winner in the Sideburns Freestyle category of the World Beard and Moustache Championships. That kind of man would surely know if poop tastes good. And you can see the answer in his face—it's a look that says, "Yes. Yes, I do enjoy the taste of shit."

3. Q: Why does my horse like to sniff her poop?

A: Well, Tootsie_Flowers_spicy_Jinglebell_stripmall_Lolita_, let me pose a few questions to you in response. Why does your horse poop? Why does your horse sniff? Why do horses do anything?

Truthfully, people will never understand horses. Some people love horses, others love dog food and glue, but none of us really know how a horse works, or even what a horse is.

It is the shape of beauty and mystery. We will never be able to fully uncover the secrets of this enigmatic and majestic creature.

4. Q: Does anybody eat poop and live?

A: The answer is a resounding "YouTube."

Returning to the question of why "we can't," I'm starting to believe that maybe it's possible we can. If the world can accommodate men who can grow three-foot-long sideburns, obese horses, and text-to-speech music videos about someone named Goober, not to mention at least two morons genuinely concerned as to why people don't eat their own feces, then people can eat all the poop they want. In short, Yes We Can.

-Matt

PS- Seriously, though, I'm happy about these odds.