ZOMBIE HAIKU #7

Can zombies climb trees?

Firefighters aren't sure.

The Cat is done for.

Ominous music

Silhouettes moving in smoke

Thriller dancing scene

I brush the dirt off

Vines wrapped around my ribs

Pull them from the root

I see you dressed up

I pick the flower off me

My cage opens wide

Bones fall to the ground

My no longer beating heart

Hangs on by a vain

I reach out to you

Flower in hand, heart falls out

You can have that too.

-Erica

ZOMBIE MUSICAL

Here it is: I Eat My Feelings: The Zombie Musical!

-Erica 

THINGS MATT ENJOYS (AND THINKS YOU SHOULD FEEL HOWEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THEM, BUT COME ON, THEY'RE PRETTY GREAT)

1. hip-hop


2. indie Flash games

3. cartoon particles

4. Krampus

5. things that Erica likes

-Matt

THINGS THAT ERICA ENJOYS (AND THINKS YOU SHOULD TOO)

1. Finger Drums (Why didn't they think of this earlier?)

2. German Expressionist Photography

3. Making bowls out of scratched records

4. Zombie Musicals featuring the sounds of Reel Karma (Link will be posted later)

5. Orange Juice (with pulp)

-Erica

INTERNET POETRY #1

From "Poems of depressing frustration:"

Dislexic

I am dislexic and high on drugs
I am innocent and full of love
deception and despair
without them
i am without care
i have a reason
allthought i am unsure
i think its my season
i think its a cure

Purple Cow Poem

knock knock
who are you
knock knock
moo
what are you doing
i can't understand
who are you
what are you man
i am my dreams
and so it would seem
i think i am glad
i think i have had
a good deal
a great day
being a cow
i have to graze
the grass is purple
and so you will know
i am the purple cow
you will know where i go

PHD

I have a phd
i study something different
i study philosophy
i study the way you study me
so what is my name
and what will i change
does it matter
is it true
i've been told a lie
its my fault
is it my fault
i trusted you

All of the above were written by someone named "aaron," who runs the site WWW.NEW NAVY.U$ and who feels extremely passionate about nuclear submarines, cheese, Jesus, the Moon, and myriad others. Here's his "12 step recovery program:"

1. get out of the navy (any possible way, multiple links from this site)
2. lie to people for personal advancement (you are only offsetting what others have done for you)
3. buy a computer
4. install dreamweaver mx
5. build a web site
6. make anti navy t shirts
7. advertise
8. eat cheese
9. buy mace
10. challenge broken system
11. repair broken system
12. run for office

"rape kill murder and pillage, EAT DONUTS <--- notice these are not part of my program" Amen. Fortunately, poetry is part of all of our programs.

-Matt

Nightmare #5 IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

...and I'll cry if I want to.

This is Ronald McDonald. The mascot for McDonald's. He is supposed to encourage kids to eat healthy (fast food=sooo healthy) and is probably a registered sex offender. 

This is the clown from the show Supernatural. It kills a little girl's parents. That is a legitimate reason to run for your life.

This is Pennywise from the film IT. IT transforms into your greatest fear. Now he's going to eat you. 

"We all float down here." 

Seriously, what are you trying to do to little kids?

NIGHTMARE TIME #5

Remember Grace McDaniels? Well, we're sure you're aching for more disfigured ladies, so What's the MATTer with AmERIBLOG brings you Hang Mikou:The horror! Oh, sorry, wrong picture.
That's better! Mikou, who's addicted to plastic surgery, injected cooking oil into her face in an apparent attempt to look like Jocelyn Wildenstein:
Wildenstein, in turn, was trying to emulate Clayface:
Clayface, well, he just likes KFC:

And that's how evolution works, class.

-Matt

UPDATE- It looks like the Famous Bowl just got a nose job:
Here we go again!

TRANSLATED FROM THE JAPANESE

A communication to prevail forthright! SuperUltraAnimalKings COMBINE!!!!!!!

Red DANGER Bird alongs Unfolding Flower Fish FLY AS ONE!!!!!!! #_#

EXCELLENCE of the majesty sir GOAT, please sir!!!!!!! ^o^

It has eye the weightful handheld shooting star... ;_;

WHAT IS UNKNOWN?!?!?!?! It would tell FERVENTLY!!!!!!!! >___>


Ah yes. We have met before, at this bar: lovely faces. v_v

-Matt

ZOMBIE HAIKU #5

A Zombie Poet

I think it's so weird,

That I am writing poems

'Cuz I don't have hands.

A Long One

I am a zombie

Nobody understands me

Maybe they can't hear...

I was so hungry

my urges overpower

I bit off your ear

So it's true that you

Couldn't hear me

I'm sorry about that.

I am a monster

At least that's what you may think

I WAS human once.

-Erica

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS IT'S

Alkulukuja Paskova Karhu, the Prime Number Shitting Bear!

Sometimes, when browsing the Internet, I'll open a website in a new tab and promptly forget about it. Sometimes that tab will be open all day. Sometimes I'll keep my computer's sound muted while I'm out.

But only once have I returned to my computer, turned the volume back up, and listened to the fartacular sound of endless prime number shitting for ten minutes without being able to find the culprit. Today was that one time.

Still, I can't stay mad at something so mathematical. I mean, look at those unilateral eyes. Don't you just want one of your own? What? You don't? Well, how about this:
YEAH I BET YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NERDY NUMBER BEAR NOW HUH

Jerks.

-Matt

THIS IS MY DUDE

And here's Prawn, Frouty, and Fuck That:
These are some of the lovable results possible when you turn your name into a face. The website certainly speaks for itself, but there are a couple things worth pointing out. First, the site's domain is somewhere in Germany, which, if you look at the sinister and placid expressions on these namefaces, makes a lot of sense. Second, the algorithm for determining face makeup is pretty weird. For example:

"B" is your average German alleyway thug:

"Bu" is a little older, lavenderer:

"But" apparently likes a lot of caffeine in his "t:"

"Butt" wants to vomit that extra "t":

And "Butts" is, well, a robot:

Of course. Look out for the next post: "turning your face into a name!"

-Matt

PS- I think that "Butts is a robot" is something I've always secretly wanted to write.

PPS- Speaking of Germany, did you know that Heidi Klum destroys more than the hopes of bad fashion designers?

HEY MATT IT'S HALLOWEEN WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO

Good question, post title! Here's your answer:

My word, that is some terrifying music, almost as terrifying as this:

Happy Halloween (or -we'en, if you're Amish/pretentious/Canadian)!

-Matt

PS- We'll bbl, so nbd guys, omg

NIGHTMARE TIME #4

A list of things in this picture:

1. Mediocrity vaguely shaped like a man
2. Three competing goatees
3. A real-life photo negative
4. Skinglasses
5. Smash Mouth, somehow combined, churned and pasteurized
6. The year 1998 personified
7. Guy Fieri, Food Network personality
8. The only reason we need to join this

-Matt

ZOMBIE HAIKU- ORIGINAL PIECES (OF GUTS) #2

You Can Run

I see you fleeing
Out of my one dangling eye
I'm coming for you

It might take some time
because my leg is broken
My left foot dragging


Held Captive

The living dead rise
Wreak havoc in the basement
Hand cuffed to a pipe

Reach out to grab you
Break away, rather easy
Hand lays on the floor

(Two extra haiku from a dude I know named Matt)

Being A Zombie Is Neat

Uuuurrrrgh braaaaains mroaaaah eeaaat braaaains

Seriously though, brains, man

I like to eat brains

Whoa, Social Commentary

YouTube favorites

Mac vs. PC funny

Urban Outfitters

-Erica

AW SHIT

From PoopReport.com:

Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?...
And why do dogs like poop dose it tast good?...And why dose my horse like to sniff her poop?...And dose any body eat poop and live?

Someone named Brooklyn_Tootie_Misty_chica_Summer_Ginger_ (we'll call her "BTMcSG" or "Brook-tootie") had the courage to ask these questions, yet they remain unanswered... that is, UNTIL NOW:

1. Q: Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?

A: This is really two questions, and to understand the complex truths behind it, we have to split it in half. First, why do dogs eat poop? To find out, I went straight to the source and asked a few dogs why it is that they consume poop. Here are a few of their responses:

• "Woof."
• "Grugg."
• "Bowowow."
• "Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf!"
• [general yawning and lip-smacking]
• "Blurgle."

Several of them also linked me here, but their sentiments say more than science or logic ever could.

So, why can't we? Toots phrases her question carefully; it's not that we choose to not eat poop, but simply that we can't. And she's right to be upset by our circumstance. After all, if dogs can do it, so can we. We can walk on all fours, we can play fetch, we can lie around naked for ten years and die in the back of a pick-up truck, so why can't we eat poop? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it'll become clearer as we find the answers to more questions.

2. Q: Why do dogs like poop—does it taste good?

A: Not being able to answer this myself, I consulted the next best resource: Yahoo Answers.

Does Poop taste as bad as it smells?
k , here's the story, me an my friends were talken about this the other day, an none of us have really tried poo, and I know not one German,

<3george

The winning answer was from a guy named Lupe, who writes "George, you silly goose, the answer is 'right' at 'HOME', just ask around, and you'll find the answer." Obviously, Lupe misunderstands George H on a basic level: George H is not a goose and therefore can not eat his own poop. Though GH writes, Real-World-confessional-style, about Lupe, "He is so intelligent an smart, very witty too an hilarious, he would make some hot women really happy some day :D," the two are obviously operating on different poopy planes.

What George H knows intrinsically is that only a German can give him the answer, a German like this one:

That's Jürgen Burkhardt, the 2007 First Place winner in the Sideburns Freestyle category of the World Beard and Moustache Championships. That kind of man would surely know if poop tastes good. And you can see the answer in his face—it's a look that says, "Yes. Yes, I do enjoy the taste of shit."

3. Q: Why does my horse like to sniff her poop?

A: Well, Tootsie_Flowers_spicy_Jinglebell_stripmall_Lolita_, let me pose a few questions to you in response. Why does your horse poop? Why does your horse sniff? Why do horses do anything?

Truthfully, people will never understand horses. Some people love horses, others love dog food and glue, but none of us really know how a horse works, or even what a horse is.

It is the shape of beauty and mystery. We will never be able to fully uncover the secrets of this enigmatic and majestic creature.

4. Q: Does anybody eat poop and live?

A: The answer is a resounding "YouTube."

Returning to the question of why "we can't," I'm starting to believe that maybe it's possible we can. If the world can accommodate men who can grow three-foot-long sideburns, obese horses, and text-to-speech music videos about someone named Goober, not to mention at least two morons genuinely concerned as to why people don't eat their own feces, then people can eat all the poop they want. In short, Yes We Can.

-Matt

PS- Seriously, though, I'm happy about these odds.

ZOMBIE HAIKU- ORIGINAL PIECES (OF GUTS)

I was bored in Speech class today so I wrote some zombie Haiku.

Brain Stew

Brain stew, pie of eyes;

Walking slow to dinner time.

I am a Zombie.

Livin' End

Tattered clothing on,

Woke up at the break of dawn,

Stumble down the street.

Torn out, broken hearts.

I notice I'm missing parts.

I am dead-alive.

-Erica

NIGHTMARE TIME #3

[via]

This is an X-ray picture taken of a guy who was holding a home-made firecracker when it exploded in his hand.

How far away was he from the hospital? How did he get there? Did he have to wait in the waiting room and fill out paperwork? I mean, the tip of his middle finger looks like it's literally dangling by a thread. I can't help but imagine the two split halves of his hand slapping against each other like a mouth.

-Matt

NIGHTMARE TIME #2

I am scared of ladybugs. I had a nightmare that ladybugs infested my bed. It was like an episode of Goosebumps. I don't care if they they kill poisonous insects. They crunch when you kill them. That's enough.

-Erica

NIGHTMARE TIME #1

Today we were talking about Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man, and I brought up Grace McDaniels, the woman on the right of this photo. You can read her full story here.

Usually old photographs are kind of creepy because the subjects are dead, but this one has a little extra punch to it, don't you think? It kind of looks like she's crying, too.

What's also of note is that her teeth were spiny, black, and misaligned. I wonder what her breath smelled like.

-Matt