THINGS MATT ENJOYS (AND THINKS YOU SHOULD FEEL HOWEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THEM, BUT COME ON, THEY'RE PRETTY GREAT)

1. hip-hop


2. indie Flash games

3. cartoon particles

4. Krampus

5. things that Erica likes

-Matt

INTERNET POETRY #1

From "Poems of depressing frustration:"

Dislexic

I am dislexic and high on drugs
I am innocent and full of love
deception and despair
without them
i am without care
i have a reason
allthought i am unsure
i think its my season
i think its a cure

Purple Cow Poem

knock knock
who are you
knock knock
moo
what are you doing
i can't understand
who are you
what are you man
i am my dreams
and so it would seem
i think i am glad
i think i have had
a good deal
a great day
being a cow
i have to graze
the grass is purple
and so you will know
i am the purple cow
you will know where i go

PHD

I have a phd
i study something different
i study philosophy
i study the way you study me
so what is my name
and what will i change
does it matter
is it true
i've been told a lie
its my fault
is it my fault
i trusted you

All of the above were written by someone named "aaron," who runs the site WWW.NEW NAVY.U$ and who feels extremely passionate about nuclear submarines, cheese, Jesus, the Moon, and myriad others. Here's his "12 step recovery program:"

1. get out of the navy (any possible way, multiple links from this site)
2. lie to people for personal advancement (you are only offsetting what others have done for you)
3. buy a computer
4. install dreamweaver mx
5. build a web site
6. make anti navy t shirts
7. advertise
8. eat cheese
9. buy mace
10. challenge broken system
11. repair broken system
12. run for office

"rape kill murder and pillage, EAT DONUTS <--- notice these are not part of my program" Amen. Fortunately, poetry is part of all of our programs.

-Matt

NIGHTMARE TIME #5

Remember Grace McDaniels? Well, we're sure you're aching for more disfigured ladies, so What's the MATTer with AmERIBLOG brings you Hang Mikou:The horror! Oh, sorry, wrong picture.
That's better! Mikou, who's addicted to plastic surgery, injected cooking oil into her face in an apparent attempt to look like Jocelyn Wildenstein:
Wildenstein, in turn, was trying to emulate Clayface:
Clayface, well, he just likes KFC:

And that's how evolution works, class.

-Matt

UPDATE- It looks like the Famous Bowl just got a nose job:
Here we go again!

TRANSLATED FROM THE JAPANESE

A communication to prevail forthright! SuperUltraAnimalKings COMBINE!!!!!!!

Red DANGER Bird alongs Unfolding Flower Fish FLY AS ONE!!!!!!! #_#

EXCELLENCE of the majesty sir GOAT, please sir!!!!!!! ^o^

It has eye the weightful handheld shooting star... ;_;

WHAT IS UNKNOWN?!?!?!?! It would tell FERVENTLY!!!!!!!! >___>


Ah yes. We have met before, at this bar: lovely faces. v_v

-Matt

OH NO IS THIS PERSONAL

In case you didn't know, my mom, one Stephanie Lurie, now works at Hyperion Books, Disney's official book publishing house. According to her, there are LCD screens mounted on every wall, each one playing WALL-E in a constant loop. Employees must take mandatory vacations to Disney World every few months and get through the doors for free. Also, the reanimated corpse of Disney himself serves them gold-encrusted Bambi steak on a plate made of Jew bones, as old Walt would have wanted.

But—oh-ho!—that is not all, dear blog reader! Indeed, there is more than meets the eye:

[via]

These scans recently popped up in a Japanese hobby magazine. My hope is that it's not a toy, but a fully-functional truck. Or at least a fully-functional mouse.

In case that's not cool enough for you:

[via]

That's my mom!

-Matt

WTMWAMTVO

That's "What's the MATTer with AmERICA Music Televison Online" or Wu-tim-wam-teevo.
Three mostly-animated videos today:

Subtle- "The Mercury Craze"

Final Fantasy- "The Butcher"


Röyksopp- "Remind Me"

-Matt

SHOW #6 WRAP-UP

Boy Howdy,

Or,
The Sixth Episode of What's the MATTer With AmERICA
A One-Act Play

It's a cold November morn, but not inside the WECB studio where MATT and ERICA are hard at work, inventing "Dentist Tennis."
MATT, rubbing his brow: There! Our robot son is complete. I'll name him "Dentist Tennis."
ERICA: Cool.
M: He's also a sport! Isn't that right, sport?
DENTIST TENNIS, dentist-like: BZZT- FIFTEEN, LOVE
M: We love you too.
E: Hey, can he fix my tooth? She pulls a rat out of the back of her mouth.
M: It's worth a try! He throws it in DT's mouth
DT: TOOTH DOES NOT COMPUTH He explodes.
E: Cool.
Suddenly, MANAGEMENT opens the door and enters the studio.
MANAGEMENT: You guys are canceled.

M + E: MGMT:
All: Boy howdy!

Fin

If you missed the show, you missed:

• Caffeinated Matt Lurie
• Burping Erica Hill
• Rabid fox-bearing woman
• Young MC and Humpty Hump rap-a-longs
• Overall DJ irresponsibility
• Good times

Also, as promised:

Lasagna Cat


Show Me Your Genitals

-Us

PS- We'll get back to you on what we played.

PPS- Courtesy of the Onion:

SHOW #6

So now that the election's over, there's nothing left for you to worry about. No, none of our country's problems have actually gone away, but you're safe with the knowledge that Saviorbama will fix all of that with his multi-racial magic.

But for some reason, you're still anxious. Why? From whence comes this inescapable feeling of dread, this swarthy sea of trepidation? Was it that hobo you accidentally made skin contact with? Is is that banana you left in a suitcase last used four months ago? Are people talking about Beanie Babies again?

No!* You just don't know What's the MATTer with AmERICA tonight! Well, maybe you do (probably more than us), but you're still wondering what excuse to share embarrassingly personal stories and somewhat obscure songs Erica and Matt will give tonight. Well, tonight's theme is...

MUSIC

That's right, we're breaking new ground and doing a show during which we do a show. That draft around the back of your head? Yeah, it's because your MIND'S JUST BEEN BLOWN SUCKA

-Us (or U.S., if you want to keep doing this far-fetched pun thing, which you do; shut up, yes you do, take it like a man)

*We are not held accountable for your nebulous and profound inner fear.

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS IT'S

Alkulukuja Paskova Karhu, the Prime Number Shitting Bear!

Sometimes, when browsing the Internet, I'll open a website in a new tab and promptly forget about it. Sometimes that tab will be open all day. Sometimes I'll keep my computer's sound muted while I'm out.

But only once have I returned to my computer, turned the volume back up, and listened to the fartacular sound of endless prime number shitting for ten minutes without being able to find the culprit. Today was that one time.

Still, I can't stay mad at something so mathematical. I mean, look at those unilateral eyes. Don't you just want one of your own? What? You don't? Well, how about this:
YEAH I BET YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NERDY NUMBER BEAR NOW HUH

Jerks.

-Matt

THIS IS MY DUDE

And here's Prawn, Frouty, and Fuck That:
These are some of the lovable results possible when you turn your name into a face. The website certainly speaks for itself, but there are a couple things worth pointing out. First, the site's domain is somewhere in Germany, which, if you look at the sinister and placid expressions on these namefaces, makes a lot of sense. Second, the algorithm for determining face makeup is pretty weird. For example:

"B" is your average German alleyway thug:

"Bu" is a little older, lavenderer:

"But" apparently likes a lot of caffeine in his "t:"

"Butt" wants to vomit that extra "t":

And "Butts" is, well, a robot:

Of course. Look out for the next post: "turning your face into a name!"

-Matt

PS- I think that "Butts is a robot" is something I've always secretly wanted to write.

PPS- Speaking of Germany, did you know that Heidi Klum destroys more than the hopes of bad fashion designers?

HEY MATT IT'S HALLOWEEN WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO

Good question, post title! Here's your answer:

My word, that is some terrifying music, almost as terrifying as this:

Happy Halloween (or -we'en, if you're Amish/pretentious/Canadian)!

-Matt

PS- We'll bbl, so nbd guys, omg

SHOW #5 PLAY-BY-PLAY LIVE

1:58- arrive in studio, sing along with "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas
2:01- start show playing "Summer Hair = Forever Young" by The Academy Is, don't know if equipment is working
2:02- Erica's transformation begins, but neither of us is aware of it... yet
2:03- Erica thinks there's something wrong with Matt
2:05- there's an intense "breeze"
2:08- say "great" at the same time and leave the air silent for about three seconds OOPS
2:10- Erica realizes she didn't turn the studio microphones down, so everyone could hear us asking why we couldn't hear the music and luckily not screaming "FUCKING SHIT CUNT"
2:11- listeners actually hear "Let it Roll" by All Time Low
2:13- Matt does an awful Australian Daniel Craig impression and says some risky things about Jews
2:15- play "Shut Up and Smile" by Bowling for Soup
2:17- Erica's transformation shows no physical signs, but there's a slight odor akin to old gazpacho floating around the studio
2:19- play "The Truth Is" by The Early November
2:20- Matt realizes that he will have to start live-blogging about live-blogging and hopes that he doesn't accidentally refer to himself in the third person on air, then realizes that he'll probably do whatever he writes down so he starts making a list:

• propose to Erica
• sing a song about poverty
• tell an embarrassing truth

He'll add more to the list later, he guesses.
2:22- Matt's lucky time! (His birthday is 2/22)
2:23- Erica mouths "I love you so much that it hurts" along with the song to Matt; uncomfortable silence abounds
2:25- Matt proposes to Erica, Erica says yes, but ruins the engagement by mentioning Easter, Matt gives her the rest of the show to win his heart back
2:27- new segment: What's the Matter with America on What's the MATTer with AmERICA; we give three stories: one about Skinheads who killed 88 black people being jailed only after plotting to assassinate Obama, one fictional one about a man who killed himself in Dubai, and one about a boy in Massachussets who shot himself in the head with an uzi
2:29- Matt asks Erica "What IS the Matter with America?" her response: "Wild."
2:30- Dr. Pepper is apprently NOT a racist
2:32- play "Burn this City" by Cartel
2:34- Erica tranformation update: Matt can feel something small wrapping around his legs, he looks down and sees nothing, his thoughts go to the wandering janitor
2:36- play "Head Up" by Sugarcult
2:37- Erica finds a love note in the studio, from one vague party to another
2:38- Matt finds a love note in his heart
2:39- janitor finds a love note in a bottle of whiskey
2:41- Matt reads some of Erica's Zombie haiku
2:44- Matt actually sings/raps a song about poverty and Pop-Tarts
2:45- Matt shares an embarrassing story about freestyling
2:47- talk about the Evil Dead trilogy
2:49- play "Out of My Way" by Damone
2:51- Erica is nearly half-transformed, yet still unaware of her new body
2:52- play "Stay Out" Hit the Lights
2:54- MY GOD A WEASEL IN THE STUDIO IT'S IN OUR CLOTHES
2:55- siiiiiiiiike nah
2:56- Matt laughs without smiling
2:57- Matt makes Mario/monkey sounds
2:58- Matt does more stupid shit, probably
2:59- sing "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, sort of
2:59- play "Endlessly Covered by Kyle Patrick
3:00 Erica realizes what she's transforming into: an egret
3:02- play "Getaways Turned Holidays" by Meg and Dia
3:03- more promises:

• speak French
• play 3 sound effects in a row
• premiere new segment: "How Do You Know You're Listening to WtMwA?"

3:05- Matt and Erica burp at the same time
3:05- decide that there's a Bizarro version of our show somewhere
3:06- French and faux-French mumblings
3:08- ways to tell you're listening to What's the Matter with America (and Matt talks about himself in the third person [he told you so!]):

• we mess up
• we talk about messing up
• Matt comes close to cursing/ruining the show
  
• you hear a song we meant to play later on in the show too early

3:10- practice saying "What Erica Woke Up with in Her Head this Morning"
3:12- play "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin
3:14- Erica's beak is developing nicely
3:16- play "Rooftops (The Liberation's Broadcast)" by Lostprophets
3:19- OK NOT MUCH ACTUALLY HAPPENS AT 3:19 THURSDAY MORNING SORRY
3:20- play "Shine On" by Needtobreathe
3:21- Matt starts to cry for no reason, accepts Erica's donation of new eyes
3:22- Erica says "IF I CAN'T WIN YOUR HEART BACK I'LL JUST STEAL IT OUT OF YOUR CHEST
3:23- more body problems: Erica's assymetrical collarbone bothers her
3:24- Erica discusses her Germanic-depressive episode
3:26- people keep passing by the door and freaking us the fuck out
3:27- thoughts about playing the whole of Ferris Bueller's Day Off for a show
3:28- play "Damn Regrets" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
3:30- Erica molts, gross
3:31- play "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run
3:34- Erica finishes reading the live blog so far, Matt doesn't have the energy to post about reading about posting about talking
3:35- play "Brat Pack" by The Rocket Summer (Matt actually loves this song)
3:36- Matt and Erica can actually sing along with the same song, which is a first
3:37- realize that we have a lot more time than usual and decide to add in a song on the fly
3:39- play three sound effects, come up with story about children cheering about exploding clowns
3:40- Erica perpetuates myths about Matt
3:41- mention Richard "Douchebag" Dawkins
3:42- play added song: "I'm a Ghost" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
3:44- Erica lays an egg (what could be inside?)
3:46- Matt falsettos and no one hears him
3:47- play "Jump" by Simple Plan
3:48- Oh no! There's a spill! But who will save us? Where's the janitor?!
3:49- Who's that mystery man? It's... It's... SUPER JANITOR (his cape is made out of coffee filters)
3:50- Super Janitor is kind of a dick
3:51- play "Stay Young" by We the Kings
3:52- turn down the lights, hot hot action or something
3:53- Erica forgets she's supposed to win Matt's heart back
3:54- Erica apologizes, the wedding is back on, hooray
3:55- end the show with "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance
3:57- the egg hatches into an "R"
3:58- "R" + "egret" = Regret!
3:59- bird of regret flies away
4:00- we're done!

NIGHTMARE TIME #4

A list of things in this picture:

1. Mediocrity vaguely shaped like a man
2. Three competing goatees
3. A real-life photo negative
4. Skinglasses
5. Smash Mouth, somehow combined, churned and pasteurized
6. The year 1998 personified
7. Guy Fieri, Food Network personality
8. The only reason we need to join this

-Matt

AW SHIT

From PoopReport.com:

Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?...
And why do dogs like poop dose it tast good?...And why dose my horse like to sniff her poop?...And dose any body eat poop and live?

Someone named Brooklyn_Tootie_Misty_chica_Summer_Ginger_ (we'll call her "BTMcSG" or "Brook-tootie") had the courage to ask these questions, yet they remain unanswered... that is, UNTIL NOW:

1. Q: Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?

A: This is really two questions, and to understand the complex truths behind it, we have to split it in half. First, why do dogs eat poop? To find out, I went straight to the source and asked a few dogs why it is that they consume poop. Here are a few of their responses:

• "Woof."
• "Grugg."
• "Bowowow."
• "Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf!"
• [general yawning and lip-smacking]
• "Blurgle."

Several of them also linked me here, but their sentiments say more than science or logic ever could.

So, why can't we? Toots phrases her question carefully; it's not that we choose to not eat poop, but simply that we can't. And she's right to be upset by our circumstance. After all, if dogs can do it, so can we. We can walk on all fours, we can play fetch, we can lie around naked for ten years and die in the back of a pick-up truck, so why can't we eat poop? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it'll become clearer as we find the answers to more questions.

2. Q: Why do dogs like poop—does it taste good?

A: Not being able to answer this myself, I consulted the next best resource: Yahoo Answers.

Does Poop taste as bad as it smells?
k , here's the story, me an my friends were talken about this the other day, an none of us have really tried poo, and I know not one German,

<3george

The winning answer was from a guy named Lupe, who writes "George, you silly goose, the answer is 'right' at 'HOME', just ask around, and you'll find the answer." Obviously, Lupe misunderstands George H on a basic level: George H is not a goose and therefore can not eat his own poop. Though GH writes, Real-World-confessional-style, about Lupe, "He is so intelligent an smart, very witty too an hilarious, he would make some hot women really happy some day :D," the two are obviously operating on different poopy planes.

What George H knows intrinsically is that only a German can give him the answer, a German like this one:

That's Jürgen Burkhardt, the 2007 First Place winner in the Sideburns Freestyle category of the World Beard and Moustache Championships. That kind of man would surely know if poop tastes good. And you can see the answer in his face—it's a look that says, "Yes. Yes, I do enjoy the taste of shit."

3. Q: Why does my horse like to sniff her poop?

A: Well, Tootsie_Flowers_spicy_Jinglebell_stripmall_Lolita_, let me pose a few questions to you in response. Why does your horse poop? Why does your horse sniff? Why do horses do anything?

Truthfully, people will never understand horses. Some people love horses, others love dog food and glue, but none of us really know how a horse works, or even what a horse is.

It is the shape of beauty and mystery. We will never be able to fully uncover the secrets of this enigmatic and majestic creature.

4. Q: Does anybody eat poop and live?

A: The answer is a resounding "YouTube."

Returning to the question of why "we can't," I'm starting to believe that maybe it's possible we can. If the world can accommodate men who can grow three-foot-long sideburns, obese horses, and text-to-speech music videos about someone named Goober, not to mention at least two morons genuinely concerned as to why people don't eat their own feces, then people can eat all the poop they want. In short, Yes We Can.

-Matt

PS- Seriously, though, I'm happy about these odds.

NIGHTMARE TIME #3

[via]

This is an X-ray picture taken of a guy who was holding a home-made firecracker when it exploded in his hand.

How far away was he from the hospital? How did he get there? Did he have to wait in the waiting room and fill out paperwork? I mean, the tip of his middle finger looks like it's literally dangling by a thread. I can't help but imagine the two split halves of his hand slapping against each other like a mouth.

-Matt

POST-SHOW #4

Our fourth show, "Video Games," just wrapped up and we're all feeling a little beaten, sob, sob. In case you missed it, here's what we played:

1. actual Super Mario Bros. gameplay sounds
2. "The Pirate Ship" from Donkey Kong Country 2
3. "Pollyanna (I Believe in You)" from Earthbound
4. the opening theme from Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon
5. "Invincible Song" from Sonic Adventure
6. "Katamari on the Rocks (Main Theme)" from Katamari Damacy
7. "I Need You" by Relient K ("What Did Erica Wake Up with in Her Head this Morning?" segment)
8. "DAN DON FUGA" from We Love Katamari
9. "Let's Go Away!" from Daytona
   
10. "Pleasure of Tension" from Snatcher
    
11. "Snake Eater" from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
    
12. "The Best is Yet to Come" from Metal Gear Solid
    
13. "The Concept of Love" from Jet Set Radio Future
    
14. "Your Rain" from Silent Hill 4
15. the theme from Ghostbusters (secret unlocked song)
    
16. "Helix Nebula" by Anamanaguchi
    
17. "Birdo" by HORSE the Band
    
18. "Dota" by Basshunter
    
19. "He Poos Clouds" by Final Fantasy
    
20. "No Sex for Ben" by the Rapture
21. "Victory Theme" from the Final Fantasy series
22. "Zelda's Lullaby" from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

(If you'd like a copy of the music, feel free to contact Matt)

This morning's show also probably broke the record for the most covers of the Super Mario Bros. theme played in succession over the radio, with eight different versions played on the following instruments:

• eleven-stringed bass
• flute
• organ (during a church service, no less)
• ocarina (a nod to Zelda)
• cell phone
• bottles
• hands
• a ruler

Of course, if you're craving even more Mario, there's always the theremin or Tesla coil.

Now, video game-related goodies:

• sixty-five things that look like Pac-Man
• The Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past dance
• Tetris-shaped ice cube trays
• The Accidental Video Game Porn Archive

Metal Gear Solid IV, with thumbs:


If you're too hip and esoteric for all this, check out the video for Grizzly Bear's Deep Sea Diver, which is inspired by the futile and arbitrary nature of life and death in old arcade games.

Thanks for listening and reading and don't be afraid to leave a comment and give us some feedback on the most recent shows or any of the past shows, and make sure to check under the tag "Video Games" in the future for more stories of pixelated nostalgia.

Most important, we'd like to thank Caitlin Malcuit for her phenomenal work as a guest host. You're better at this than we are and you're welcome back any time.

SHOW #4

This week's theme is video games! As always, you can listen to us live from 2:00 to 4:00 AM at wecb.emerson.edu. We'll return for a post-show wrap-up and summary, WITH LINKS (but no Zeldas). Stay tuned!

NIGHTMARE TIME #1

Today we were talking about Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man, and I brought up Grace McDaniels, the woman on the right of this photo. You can read her full story here.

Usually old photographs are kind of creepy because the subjects are dead, but this one has a little extra punch to it, don't you think? It kind of looks like she's crying, too.

What's also of note is that her teeth were spiny, black, and misaligned. I wonder what her breath smelled like.

-Matt

HEY COOL ANOTHER BLOG YOU GUYS

Only three weeks after its inception, What's the MATTer with AmERICA has already grown a small, but unsightly blog! (Please don't bring it up in front of her, you know how radio shows get.) For our friends who can't bear to stay up into hobo-haunting (or hunting) hours, there is now this convenient blemish on the face of the Internet. We'll be writing about the show mostly, but the real beauty of a blog is that it's pointless and self-absorbed, so you'll probably get a lot more of this. Hopefully, we won't get too link-happy and post any arbitrary picture we find, but then maybe you're into that kind of thing. Post a comment or let us know so we can get down to the nasty.

-WtMwA

PS- I hope this doesn't end up here.