ZOMBIE HAIKU #4

The Bird and the Deceased

I had an itch on

My head, I scratched, released hair

A clump in my hand

A bird landed here

Stole some hair to make a nest

Hunger consumed me

No shelter was made

But I subsided my need

Only for a sec

An Oscar Winning Song

So many choices

It's hard out here for zombies

Give me everyone

Fragile

"Guys let go of me."

This is a constant tug of war

My corpse ripped in half

Ewww

What is this liquid

Spewing from my mouth, nose

My jaw in my hand

DO YOU FEEL UNEASY?

-Erica

SHOW #5 PLAY-BY-PLAY LIVE

1:58- arrive in studio, sing along with "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas
2:01- start show playing "Summer Hair = Forever Young" by The Academy Is, don't know if equipment is working
2:02- Erica's transformation begins, but neither of us is aware of it... yet
2:03- Erica thinks there's something wrong with Matt
2:05- there's an intense "breeze"
2:08- say "great" at the same time and leave the air silent for about three seconds OOPS
2:10- Erica realizes she didn't turn the studio microphones down, so everyone could hear us asking why we couldn't hear the music and luckily not screaming "FUCKING SHIT CUNT"
2:11- listeners actually hear "Let it Roll" by All Time Low
2:13- Matt does an awful Australian Daniel Craig impression and says some risky things about Jews
2:15- play "Shut Up and Smile" by Bowling for Soup
2:17- Erica's transformation shows no physical signs, but there's a slight odor akin to old gazpacho floating around the studio
2:19- play "The Truth Is" by The Early November
2:20- Matt realizes that he will have to start live-blogging about live-blogging and hopes that he doesn't accidentally refer to himself in the third person on air, then realizes that he'll probably do whatever he writes down so he starts making a list:

• propose to Erica
• sing a song about poverty
• tell an embarrassing truth

He'll add more to the list later, he guesses.
2:22- Matt's lucky time! (His birthday is 2/22)
2:23- Erica mouths "I love you so much that it hurts" along with the song to Matt; uncomfortable silence abounds
2:25- Matt proposes to Erica, Erica says yes, but ruins the engagement by mentioning Easter, Matt gives her the rest of the show to win his heart back
2:27- new segment: What's the Matter with America on What's the MATTer with AmERICA; we give three stories: one about Skinheads who killed 88 black people being jailed only after plotting to assassinate Obama, one fictional one about a man who killed himself in Dubai, and one about a boy in Massachussets who shot himself in the head with an uzi
2:29- Matt asks Erica "What IS the Matter with America?" her response: "Wild."
2:30- Dr. Pepper is apprently NOT a racist
2:32- play "Burn this City" by Cartel
2:34- Erica tranformation update: Matt can feel something small wrapping around his legs, he looks down and sees nothing, his thoughts go to the wandering janitor
2:36- play "Head Up" by Sugarcult
2:37- Erica finds a love note in the studio, from one vague party to another
2:38- Matt finds a love note in his heart
2:39- janitor finds a love note in a bottle of whiskey
2:41- Matt reads some of Erica's Zombie haiku
2:44- Matt actually sings/raps a song about poverty and Pop-Tarts
2:45- Matt shares an embarrassing story about freestyling
2:47- talk about the Evil Dead trilogy
2:49- play "Out of My Way" by Damone
2:51- Erica is nearly half-transformed, yet still unaware of her new body
2:52- play "Stay Out" Hit the Lights
2:54- MY GOD A WEASEL IN THE STUDIO IT'S IN OUR CLOTHES
2:55- siiiiiiiiike nah
2:56- Matt laughs without smiling
2:57- Matt makes Mario/monkey sounds
2:58- Matt does more stupid shit, probably
2:59- sing "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, sort of
2:59- play "Endlessly Covered by Kyle Patrick
3:00 Erica realizes what she's transforming into: an egret
3:02- play "Getaways Turned Holidays" by Meg and Dia
3:03- more promises:

• speak French
• play 3 sound effects in a row
• premiere new segment: "How Do You Know You're Listening to WtMwA?"

3:05- Matt and Erica burp at the same time
3:05- decide that there's a Bizarro version of our show somewhere
3:06- French and faux-French mumblings
3:08- ways to tell you're listening to What's the Matter with America (and Matt talks about himself in the third person [he told you so!]):

• we mess up
• we talk about messing up
• Matt comes close to cursing/ruining the show
  
• you hear a song we meant to play later on in the show too early

3:10- practice saying "What Erica Woke Up with in Her Head this Morning"
3:12- play "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin
3:14- Erica's beak is developing nicely
3:16- play "Rooftops (The Liberation's Broadcast)" by Lostprophets
3:19- OK NOT MUCH ACTUALLY HAPPENS AT 3:19 THURSDAY MORNING SORRY
3:20- play "Shine On" by Needtobreathe
3:21- Matt starts to cry for no reason, accepts Erica's donation of new eyes
3:22- Erica says "IF I CAN'T WIN YOUR HEART BACK I'LL JUST STEAL IT OUT OF YOUR CHEST
3:23- more body problems: Erica's assymetrical collarbone bothers her
3:24- Erica discusses her Germanic-depressive episode
3:26- people keep passing by the door and freaking us the fuck out
3:27- thoughts about playing the whole of Ferris Bueller's Day Off for a show
3:28- play "Damn Regrets" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
3:30- Erica molts, gross
3:31- play "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run
3:34- Erica finishes reading the live blog so far, Matt doesn't have the energy to post about reading about posting about talking
3:35- play "Brat Pack" by The Rocket Summer (Matt actually loves this song)
3:36- Matt and Erica can actually sing along with the same song, which is a first
3:37- realize that we have a lot more time than usual and decide to add in a song on the fly
3:39- play three sound effects, come up with story about children cheering about exploding clowns
3:40- Erica perpetuates myths about Matt
3:41- mention Richard "Douchebag" Dawkins
3:42- play added song: "I'm a Ghost" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
3:44- Erica lays an egg (what could be inside?)
3:46- Matt falsettos and no one hears him
3:47- play "Jump" by Simple Plan
3:48- Oh no! There's a spill! But who will save us? Where's the janitor?!
3:49- Who's that mystery man? It's... It's... SUPER JANITOR (his cape is made out of coffee filters)
3:50- Super Janitor is kind of a dick
3:51- play "Stay Young" by We the Kings
3:52- turn down the lights, hot hot action or something
3:53- Erica forgets she's supposed to win Matt's heart back
3:54- Erica apologizes, the wedding is back on, hooray
3:55- end the show with "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance
3:57- the egg hatches into an "R"
3:58- "R" + "egret" = Regret!
3:59- bird of regret flies away
4:00- we're done!

AW SHIT

From PoopReport.com:

Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?...
And why do dogs like poop dose it tast good?...And why dose my horse like to sniff her poop?...And dose any body eat poop and live?

Someone named Brooklyn_Tootie_Misty_chica_Summer_Ginger_ (we'll call her "BTMcSG" or "Brook-tootie") had the courage to ask these questions, yet they remain unanswered... that is, UNTIL NOW:

1. Q: Why do dogs eat poop and we can't?

A: This is really two questions, and to understand the complex truths behind it, we have to split it in half. First, why do dogs eat poop? To find out, I went straight to the source and asked a few dogs why it is that they consume poop. Here are a few of their responses:

• "Woof."
• "Grugg."
• "Bowowow."
• "Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf!"
• [general yawning and lip-smacking]
• "Blurgle."

Several of them also linked me here, but their sentiments say more than science or logic ever could.

So, why can't we? Toots phrases her question carefully; it's not that we choose to not eat poop, but simply that we can't. And she's right to be upset by our circumstance. After all, if dogs can do it, so can we. We can walk on all fours, we can play fetch, we can lie around naked for ten years and die in the back of a pick-up truck, so why can't we eat poop? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it'll become clearer as we find the answers to more questions.

2. Q: Why do dogs like poop—does it taste good?

A: Not being able to answer this myself, I consulted the next best resource: Yahoo Answers.

Does Poop taste as bad as it smells?
k , here's the story, me an my friends were talken about this the other day, an none of us have really tried poo, and I know not one German,

<3george

The winning answer was from a guy named Lupe, who writes "George, you silly goose, the answer is 'right' at 'HOME', just ask around, and you'll find the answer." Obviously, Lupe misunderstands George H on a basic level: George H is not a goose and therefore can not eat his own poop. Though GH writes, Real-World-confessional-style, about Lupe, "He is so intelligent an smart, very witty too an hilarious, he would make some hot women really happy some day :D," the two are obviously operating on different poopy planes.

What George H knows intrinsically is that only a German can give him the answer, a German like this one:

That's Jürgen Burkhardt, the 2007 First Place winner in the Sideburns Freestyle category of the World Beard and Moustache Championships. That kind of man would surely know if poop tastes good. And you can see the answer in his face—it's a look that says, "Yes. Yes, I do enjoy the taste of shit."

3. Q: Why does my horse like to sniff her poop?

A: Well, Tootsie_Flowers_spicy_Jinglebell_stripmall_Lolita_, let me pose a few questions to you in response. Why does your horse poop? Why does your horse sniff? Why do horses do anything?

Truthfully, people will never understand horses. Some people love horses, others love dog food and glue, but none of us really know how a horse works, or even what a horse is.

It is the shape of beauty and mystery. We will never be able to fully uncover the secrets of this enigmatic and majestic creature.

4. Q: Does anybody eat poop and live?

A: The answer is a resounding "YouTube."

Returning to the question of why "we can't," I'm starting to believe that maybe it's possible we can. If the world can accommodate men who can grow three-foot-long sideburns, obese horses, and text-to-speech music videos about someone named Goober, not to mention at least two morons genuinely concerned as to why people don't eat their own feces, then people can eat all the poop they want. In short, Yes We Can.

-Matt

PS- Seriously, though, I'm happy about these odds.