Monday, December 15, 2008

THINGS THAT ERICA ENJOYS (AND THINKS YOU SHOULD TOO)

1. Finger Drums (Why didn't they think of this earlier?)



2. German Expressionist Photography




3. Making bowls out of scratched records



4. Zombie Musicals featuring the sounds of Reel Karma (Link will be posted later)


5. Orange Juice (with pulp)



-Erica



Wednesday, December 3, 2008

INTERNET POETRY #1

From "Poems of depressing frustration:"
Dislexic

I am dislexic and high on drugs
I am innocent and full of love
deception and despair
without them
i am without care
i have a reason
allthought i am unsure
i think its my season
i think its a cure

Purple Cow Poem

knock knock
who are you
knock knock
moo
what are you doing
i can't understand
who are you
what are you man
i am my dreams
and so it would seem
i think i am glad
i think i have had
a good deal
a great day
being a cow
i have to graze
the grass is purple
and so you will know
i am the purple cow
you will know where i go


PHD

I have a phd
i study something different
i study philosophy
i study the way you study me
so what is my name
and what will i change
does it matter
is it true
i've been told a lie
its my fault
is it my fault
i trusted you

All of the above were written by someone named "aaron," who runs the site WWW.NEW NAVY.U$ and who feels extremely passionate about nuclear submarines, cheese, Jesus, the Moon, and myriad others. Here's his "12 step recovery program:"
  1. get out of the navy (any possible way, multiple links from this site)
  2. lie to people for personal advancement (you are only offsetting what others have done for you)
  3. buy a computer
  4. install dreamweaver mx
  5. build a web site
  6. make anti navy t shirts
  7. advertise
  8. eat cheese
  9. buy mace
  10. challenge broken system
  11. repair broken system
  12. run for office
"rape kill murder and pillage, EAT DONUTS <--- notice these are not part of my program" Amen. Fortunately, poetry is part of all of our programs.
-Matt

Monday, December 1, 2008

Nightmare #5 IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

...and I'll cry if I want to.
This is Ronald McDonald. The mascot for McDonald's. He is supposed to encourage kids to eat healthy (fast food=sooo healthy) and is probably a registered sex offender. 

This is the clown from the show Supernatural. It kills a little girl's parents. That is a legitimate reason to run for your life.

This is Pennywise from the film IT. IT transforms into your greatest fear. Now he's going to eat you. 

"We all float down here." 

Seriously, what are you trying to do to little kids?

Monday, November 24, 2008

ZOMBIE HAIKU #6

Stolen Zombie Lyrics

I'm your zombie man.
I know I'm just a creature,
Brought back from the dead.

Stolen Zombie Lyrics 2

You turn to me, smile;
"You're my best zombie friend."
I won't let this end...

Fashionable

Maggot eaten clothes
Leaves and twigs and dirt and seeds
Blood-splattered hand prints

(c) Riley Ziesig 

The Living and the Dead

Rotting flesh, park bench,
Birds chirping, daisies and bees
Juxtaposition 

Rush Hour

Cars beeping, lights change,
Zombies blocking traffic; jam,
Cars beeping, lights change.

Love-Sick

Falling rose petals
Flesh is peeling, flaking off
And she loves me not. 
-Erica 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

SHOW #8

Because we hate you, tonight we're (pretty much) only playing music from YouTube videos. Be prepared for anything. YEAH THAT'S RIGHT HE MADE MORE THAN ONE SONG

If you want to play along at home, IM us at WECB, or comment on the blog, or write on Matt or Erica's Facebook wall, or call us (if the phone works) to request some viral favorites.

We'll give you an update after the show, maybe with a special YouTubular surprise of our own.

NIGHTMARE TIME #5

Remember Grace McDaniels? Well, we're sure you're aching for more disfigured ladies, so What's the MATTer with AmERIBLOG brings you Hang Mikou:The horror! Oh, sorry, wrong picture.
That's better! Mikou, who's addicted to plastic surgery, injected cooking oil into her face in an apparent attempt to look like Jocelyn Wildenstein:
Wildenstein, in turn, was trying to emulate Clayface:
Clayface, well, he just likes KFC:
And that's how evolution works, class.
-Matt
UPDATE- It looks like the Famous Bowl just got a nose job:
Here we go again!

Monday, November 17, 2008

TRANSLATED FROM THE JAPANESE

video
A communication to prevail forthright! SuperUltraAnimalKings COMBINE!!!!!!!

Red DANGER Bird alongs Unfolding Flower Fish FLY AS ONE!!!!!!! #_#

EXCELLENCE of the majesty sir GOAT, please sir!!!!!!! ^o^

It has eye the weightful handheld shooting star... ;_;

WHAT IS UNKNOWN?!?!?!?! It would tell FERVENTLY!!!!!!!! >___>


Ah yes. We have met before, at this bar: lovely faces. v_v
-Matt

Friday, November 14, 2008

ZOMBIE HAIKU #5

A Zombie Poet

I think it's so weird,
That I am writing poems
'Cuz I don't have hands.

A Long One

I am a zombie
Nobody understands me
Maybe they can't hear...

I was so hungry
my urges overpower
I bit off your ear

So it's true that you
Couldn't hear me
I'm sorry about that.

I am a monster
At least that's what you may think
I WAS human once.

-Erica

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

OH NO IS THIS PERSONAL

In case you didn't know, my mom, one Stephanie Lurie, now works at Hyperion Books, Disney's official book publishing house. According to her, there are LCD screens mounted on every wall, each one playing WALL-E in a constant loop. Employees must take mandatory vacations to Disney World every few months and get through the doors for free. Also, the reanimated corpse of Disney himself serves them gold-encrusted Bambi steak on a plate made of Jew bones, as old Walt would have wanted.

But—oh-ho!—that is not all, dear blog reader! Indeed, there is more than meets the eye:
[via]
These scans recently popped up in a Japanese hobby magazine. My hope is that it's not a toy, but a fully-functional truck. Or at least a fully-functional mouse.

In case that's not cool enough for you:
[via]
That's my mom!
-Matt

Friday, November 7, 2008

WTMWAMTVO

That's "What's the MATTer with AmERICA Music Televison Online" or Wu-tim-wam-teevo.
Three mostly-animated videos today:
video

Thursday, November 6, 2008

SHOW #6 WRAP-UP

Boy Howdy,
Or,
The Sixth Episode of What's the MATTer With AmERICA
A One-Act Play

It's a cold November morn, but not inside the WECB studio where MATT and ERICA are hard at work, inventing "Dentist Tennis."

MATT, rubbing his brow: There! Our robot son is complete. I'll name him "Dentist Tennis."
ERICA: Cool.
M: He's also a sport! Isn't that right, sport?
DENTIST TENNIS, dentist-like: BZZT- FIFTEEN, LOVE
M: We love you too.
E: Hey, can he fix my tooth? She pulls a rat out of the back of her mouth.
M: It's worth a try! He throws it in DT's mouth
DT: TOOTH DOES NOT COMPUTH He explodes.
E: Cool.
Suddenly, MANAGEMENT opens the door and enters the studio.
MANAGEMENT: You guys are canceled.
M + E: MGMT:
All: Boy howdy!
Fin

If you missed the show, you missed:
Also, as promised:


-Us
PS- We'll get back to you on what we played.
PPS- Courtesy of the Onion:

SHOW #6

So now that the election's over, there's nothing left for you to worry about. No, none of our country's problems have actually gone away, but you're safe with the knowledge that Saviorbama will fix all of that with his multi-racial magic.

But for some reason, you're still anxious. Why? From whence comes this inescapable feeling of dread, this swarthy sea of trepidation? Was it that hobo you accidentally made skin contact with? Is is that banana you left in a suitcase last used four months ago? Are people talking about Beanie Babies again?

No!* You just don't know What's the MATTer with AmERICA tonight! Well, maybe you do (probably more than us), but you're still wondering what excuse to share embarrassingly personal stories and somewhat obscure songs Erica and Matt will give tonight. Well, tonight's theme is...

MUSIC

That's right, we're breaking new ground and doing a show during which we do a show. That draft around the back of your head? Yeah, it's because your MIND'S JUST BEEN BLOWN SUCKA
-Us (or U.S., if you want to keep doing this far-fetched pun thing, which you do; shut up, yes you do, take it like a man)

*We are not held accountable for your nebulous and profound inner fear.

Monday, November 3, 2008

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS IT'S

Alkulukuja Paskova Karhu, the Prime Number Shitting Bear!

Sometimes, when browsing the Internet, I'll open a website in a new tab and promptly forget about it. Sometimes that tab will be open all day. Sometimes I'll keep my computer's sound muted while I'm out.

But only once have I returned to my computer, turned the volume back up, and listened to the fartacular sound of endless prime number shitting for ten minutes without being able to find the culprit. Today was that one time.

Still, I can't stay mad at something so mathematical. I mean, look at those unilateral eyes. Don't you just want one of your own? What? You don't? Well, how about this:
YEAH I BET YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THE NERDY NUMBER BEAR NOW HUH

Jerks.
-Matt

ZOMBIE HAIKU #4


The Bird and the Deceased

I had an itch on
My head, I scratched, released hair
A clump in my hand

A bird landed here
Stole some hair to make a nest
Hunger consumed me

No shelter was made
But I subsided my need
Only for a sec


An Oscar Winning Song

So many choices
It's hard out here for zombies
Give me everyone

Fragile

"Guys let go of me."
This is a constant tug of war
My corpse ripped in half

Ewww

What is this liquid
Spewing from my mouth, nose
My jaw in my hand


Sunday, November 2, 2008

DO YOU FEEL UNEASY?

video

-Erica

THIS IS MY DUDE

And here's Prawn, Frouty, and Fuck That:
These are some of the lovable results possible when you turn your name into a face. The website certainly speaks for itself, but there are a couple things worth pointing out. First, the site's domain is somewhere in Germany, which, if you look at the sinister and placid expressions on these namefaces, makes a lot of sense. Second, the algorithm for determining face makeup is pretty weird. For example:

"B" is your average German alleyway thug:

"Bu" is a little older, lavenderer:

"But" apparently likes a lot of caffeine in his "t:"

"Butt" wants to vomit that extra "t":

And "Butts" is, well, a robot:
Of course. Look out for the next post: "turning your face into a name!"
-Matt

PS- I think that "Butts is a robot" is something I've always secretly wanted to write.

PPS- Speaking of Germany, did you know that Heidi Klum destroys more than the hopes of bad fashion designers?

Friday, October 31, 2008

ZOMBIE HAIKU- HAPPY HALLOWEEN #3

Making Me Mad
You are mumbling things
You are getting on my nerves
Gnawing on my neck

Genesis
God said unto thee,
"Hello there, how ya doin'?"
I said to him, "Brains."

Stake
"Let's get some tacos."
"I'm in the mood for something
of the human kind."


Drive-by
Somebody hit me
With their car, so big
My clothes caught on rim

I was dragged downtown
Until my sleeve was torn off
My corpse lay twitching

Rebirth
I died today but
I was reborn with this thought:
"That guy looks tasty."
-Erica

HEY MATT IT'S HALLOWEEN WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO

Good question, post title! Here's your answer:

video
My word, that is some terrifying music, almost as terrifying as this:

video
Happy Halloween (or -we'en, if you're Amish/pretentious/Canadian)!
-Matt
PS- We'll bbl, so nbd guys, omg

Thursday, October 30, 2008

SHOW #5 PLAY-BY-PLAY LIVE

1:58- arrive in studio, sing along with "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas
2:01- start show playing "Summer Hair = Forever Young" by The Academy Is, don't know if equipment is working
2:02- Erica's transformation begins, but neither of us is aware of it... yet
2:03- Erica thinks there's something wrong with Matt
2:05- there's an intense "breeze"
2:08- say "great" at the same time and leave the air silent for about three seconds OOPS
2:10- Erica realizes she didn't turn the studio microphones down, so everyone could hear us asking why we couldn't hear the music and luckily not screaming "FUCKING SHIT CUNT"
2:11- listeners actually hear "Let it Roll" by All Time Low
2:13- Matt does an awful Australian Daniel Craig impression and says some risky things about Jews
2:15- play "Shut Up and Smile" by Bowling for Soup
2:17- Erica's transformation shows no physical signs, but there's a slight odor akin to old gazpacho floating around the studio
2:19- play "The Truth Is" by The Early November
2:20- Matt realizes that he will have to start live-blogging about live-blogging and hopes that he doesn't accidentally refer to himself in the third person on air, then realizes that he'll probably do whatever he writes down so he starts making a list:
  • propose to Erica
  • sing a song about poverty
  • tell an embarrassing truth
He'll add more to the list later, he guesses.
2:22- Matt's lucky time! (His birthday is 2/22)
2:23- Erica mouths "I love you so much that it hurts" along with the song to Matt; uncomfortable silence abounds
2:25- Matt proposes to Erica, Erica says yes, but ruins the engagement by mentioning Easter, Matt gives her the rest of the show to win his heart back
2:27- new segment: What's the Matter with America on What's the MATTer with AmERICA; we give three stories: one about Skinheads who killed 88 black people being jailed only after plotting to assassinate Obama, one fictional one about a man who killed himself in Dubai, and one about a boy in Massachussets who shot himself in the head with an uzi
2:29- Matt asks Erica "What IS the Matter with America?" her response: "Wild."
2:30- Dr. Pepper is apprently NOT a racist
2:32- play "Burn this City" by Cartel
2:34- Erica tranformation update: Matt can feel something small wrapping around his legs, he looks down and sees nothing, his thoughts go to the wandering janitor
2:36- play "Head Up" by Sugarcult
2:37- Erica finds a love note in the studio, from one vague party to another
2:38- Matt finds a love note in his heart
2:39- janitor finds a love note in a bottle of whiskey
2:41- Matt reads some of Erica's Zombie haiku
2:44- Matt actually sings/raps a song about poverty and Pop-Tarts
2:45- Matt shares an embarrassing story about freestyling
2:47- talk about the Evil Dead trilogy
2:49- play "Out of My Way" by Damone
2:51- Erica is nearly half-transformed, yet still unaware of her new body
2:52- play "Stay Out" Hit the Lights
2:54- MY GOD A WEASEL IN THE STUDIO IT'S IN OUR CLOTHES
2:55- siiiiiiiiike nah
2:56- Matt laughs without smiling
2:57- Matt makes Mario/monkey sounds
2:58- Matt does more stupid shit, probably
2:59- sing "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi, sort of
2:59- play "Endlessly Covered by Kyle Patrick
3:00 Erica realizes what she's transforming into: an egret
3:02- play "Getaways Turned Holidays" by Meg and Dia
3:03- more promises:
  • speak French
  • play 3 sound effects in a row
  • premiere new segment: "How Do You Know You're Listening to WtMwA?"
3:05- Matt and Erica burp at the same time
3:05- decide that there's a Bizarro version of our show somewhere
3:06- French and faux-French mumblings
3:08- ways to tell you're listening to What's the Matter with America (and Matt talks about himself in the third person [he told you so!]):
  • we mess up
  • we talk about messing up
  • Matt comes close to cursing/ruining the show
  • you hear a song we meant to play later on in the show too early
3:10- practice saying "What Erica Woke Up with in Her Head this Morning"
3:12- play "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin
3:14- Erica's beak is developing nicely
3:16- play "Rooftops (The Liberation's Broadcast)" by Lostprophets
3:19- OK NOT MUCH ACTUALLY HAPPENS AT 3:19 THURSDAY MORNING SORRY
3:20- play "Shine On" by Needtobreathe
3:21- Matt starts to cry for no reason, accepts Erica's donation of new eyes
3:22- Erica says "IF I CAN'T WIN YOUR HEART BACK I'LL JUST STEAL IT OUT OF YOUR CHEST
3:23- more body problems: Erica's assymetrical collarbone bothers her
3:24- Erica discusses her Germanic-depressive episode
3:26- people keep passing by the door and freaking us the fuck out
3:27- thoughts about playing the whole of Ferris Bueller's Day Off for a show
3:28- play "Damn Regrets" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
3:30- Erica molts, gross
3:31- play "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run
3:34- Erica finishes reading the live blog so far, Matt doesn't have the energy to post about reading about posting about talking
3:35- play "Brat Pack" by The Rocket Summer (Matt actually loves this song)
3:36- Matt and Erica can actually sing along with the same song, which is a first
3:37- realize that we have a lot more time than usual and decide to add in a song on the fly
3:39- play three sound effects, come up with story about children cheering about exploding clowns
3:40- Erica perpetuates myths about Matt
3:41- mention Richard "Douchebag" Dawkins
3:42- play added song: "I'm a Ghost" by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
3:44- Erica lays an egg (what could be inside?)
3:46- Matt falsettos and no one hears him
3:47- play "Jump" by Simple Plan
3:48- Oh no! There's a spill! But who will save us? Where's the janitor?!
3:49- Who's that mystery man? It's... It's... SUPER JANITOR (his cape is made out of coffee filters)
3:50- Super Janitor is kind of a dick
3:51- play "Stay Young" by We the Kings
3:52- turn down the lights, hot hot action or something
3:53- Erica forgets she's supposed to win Matt's heart back
3:54- Erica apologizes, the wedding is back on, hooray
3:55- end the show with "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance
3:57- the egg hatches into an "R"
3:58- "R" + "egret" = Regret!
3:59- bird of regret flies away
4:00- we're done!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

SHOW #5 DOIN' IT LIVE!

Featured band All time Low says, "Don't worry. Bee happy."

Theme: Bands I've seen live and singing songs about forgetting your problems and living for the moment. All the while Matt will liveblog and I'll make up Zombie Haiku on air. (Zombie Haiku= related because they are alive again)

Why you should listen: First of all, why not? Second, because I said so. Third, it will make you dance and not want to go to sleep.

Also, due to global warming, the sun's rays aren't hitting your lovely faces as much, thus triggering beginning stages of SAD** So be happy: you're alive.
-Erica
**based on false scientific information Erica just made up

NIGHTMARE TIME #4

A list of things in this picture:
  1. Mediocrity vaguely shaped like a man
  2. Three competing goatees
  3. A real-life photo negative
  4. Skinglasses
  5. Smash Mouth, somehow combined, churned and pasteurized
  6. The year 1998 personified
  7. Guy Fieri, Food Network personality
  8. The only reason we need to join this
-Matt

Monday, October 27, 2008

ZOMBIE HAIKU- ORIGINAL PIECES (OF GUTS) #2

You Can Run

I see you fleeing
Out of my one dangling eye
I'm coming for you

It might take some time
because my leg is broken
My left foot dragging


Held Captive

The living dead rise
Wreak havoc in the basement
Hand cuffed to a pipe

Reach out to grab you
Break away, rather easy
Hand lays on the floor


(Two extra haiku from a dude I know named Matt)
Being A Zombie Is Neat

Uuuurrrrgh braaaaains mroaaaah eeaaat braaaains
Seriously though, brains, man
I like to eat brains

Whoa, Social Commentary

YouTube favorites
Mac vs. PC funny
Urban Outfitters


-Erica